The Art of the Authentic Apology

I'm sorry you feel that way is not an apology.

We undermine our own efforts to apologize when we don't accept full responsibility for our actions, make excuses for ourselves, or attempt to shift the blame away from us.

One infographic can’t possibly convey all of nuance we need to bring to a meaningful apology. But I think Sylvia Duckworth’s illustration does a great job capturing what an effective apology looks like.* I especially appreciate #5, because expressing our future intentions is so vital to the work of repair. This is something I've been focusing on personally.

We’ve probably all had the experience of having someone say the “right thing” and yet their apology feels performative. Especially in today’s era of “sorry not sorry” faux apologies and performative public apologies, a good apology requires putting in real work. This means:

1. Listening to and acknowledging the hurt party’s feelings

2. Not just professing our remorse but taking steps to ensure that we don’t cause harm again.

Unfortunately many misconceptions about apologizing persist. One I frequently see is the myth that apologizing makes us look weak. In reality, it takes a lot of courage to apologize. Those who experience apologizing as a threat to their power/control may lack the self-esteem or ego strength that apologizing requires.

If you’re ready to learn how to make an authentic apology and rethink common assumptions about forgiveness, I recommend Harriet Lerner’s book, Why Won’t You Apologize? I’ve been a huge fan of Lerner’s work ever since my first therapist loaned me a copy of The Dance of Anger 30 years ago. Why Won’t You Apologize? meaningfully addresses the concerns of both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer.

Finally, no one is entitled forgiveness, even if they have apologized. Forgiveness may be earned but never demanded. Instead, when we have caused harm, our focus should be on centering the needs of the person whom we hurt. It’s important to remember that there is no magical formula that works for every situation. For example, if someone has been repeatedly harmed, a single apology may not be enough.

If there was one thing you would change about your "apology style," what would it be?
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*This is an edited version of Duckworth’s image. You can see the full illustration here: https://www.instagram.com/sylviaduckworth/p/CNQIAkfsPIH/. I’ve also described the complete content of the image in the ID below.

ID: Social media post by @sylviaduckworth entitled "How To Apologize" in a bright, rainbow-colored palette.
1. Say what you are sorry for: "I am sorry for..."
2. Say why it was wrong. "It was wrong because..."
3. Accept full responsibility. "I accept full responsibility for what I did/said."
4. Ask how to make amends. "How can I make this better?"
5. Commit to not doing it again. "Moving forward I promise to..."
6. Ask for forgiveness. "Will you accept my apology?"
7. Thank them. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention."

THESE ARE NOT APOLOGIES:
-I'm sorry you feel that way.
-I'm sorry you misinterpreted what I said.
-You misunderstood what I meant.
-I'm sorry but...
-What about that time you...
-It was your fault that I...