The Art of the Authentic Apology

I'm sorry you feel that way is not an apology.

Have you had the experience of having someone say the “right thing” and yet their apology feels inauthentic? Especially in today’s era of “sorry not sorry” faux apologies and performative public apologies, a good apology requires putting in real work:

✅ LISTEN - Listen to and acknowledge the hurt party’s feelings.

✅ HOLD SPACE - Don't make excuses for yourself or attempt to shift the blame away from you.

✅ AMENDS - Do more than profess your remorse; take steps to ensure that you don’t cause harm again.

THESE ARE NOT APOLOGIES:
-I'm sorry you feel that way.
-I'm sorry you misinterpreted what I said.
-You misunderstood what I meant.
-I'm sorry but...
-What about that time you...
-It was your fault that I...

To deepen your understanding of authentic apologies, I highly recommend Harriet Lerner’s book, Why Won’t You Apologize? I’ve been a huge fan of Lerner’s work ever since my first therapist loaned me a copy of The Dance of Anger 30 years ago. Why Won’t You Apologize? teaches readers how to make an authentic apology, meaningfully addressing the concerns of both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer.

Unfortunately many misconceptions about repair persist. One I frequently see is the myth that apologizing makes us look weak. In reality, it takes a lot of courage to apologize. Those who experience apologizing as a threat to their power/control may lack the self-esteem or ego strength that apologizing requires.

Remember: no one is entitled to forgiveness, even after apologizing. Forgiveness may be earned but never demanded. When we've caused harm, our focus should center on the needs of the person we hurt. There's no one-size-fits-all approach; sometimes repeated harm requires more than a single apology to begin rebuilding trust.

Authentic apologies aren't just about repairing relationships—they're opportunities for genuine growth and deeper connection. When we apologize with integrity, we model vulnerability and accountability that can strengthen our relationships, teams, and communities.

If there was one thing you would change about your "apology style," what would it be?"
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Photo credit: This is an edited version of Sylvia Duckworth’s image. You can see the full illustration here: https://www.instagram.com/sylviaduckworth/p/CNQIAkfsPIH/. I’ve also described the complete content of the image in the ID below.

ID: Social media post by @sylviaduckworth entitled "How To Apologize" in a bright, rainbow-colored palette.
1. Say what you are sorry for: "I am sorry for..."
2. Say why it was wrong. "It was wrong because..."
3. Accept full responsibility. "I accept full responsibility for what I did/said."
4. Ask how to make amends. "How can I make this better?"
5. Commit to not doing it again. "Moving forward I promise to..."
6. Ask for forgiveness. "Will you accept my apology?"
7. Thank them. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention."