Niceness vs. Kindness
It’s #WorldKindnessDay, so let’s talk about the difference between niceness and kindness.
Niceness is superficial politeness. It is about the 3 C’s: comfort, control, and convenience. Niceness tends to be associated with people pleasing and avoiding conflict. It's less invested in authentic understanding than in maintaining the status quo. The toxic intersection of niceness and white innocence is a perfect example of this.
In contrast, I see kindness as embedded in Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s vision of "positive peace," which is a revolutionary practice of compassion, love, and justice. (Dr. King famously lamented white moderates' tendency to prefer "a negative peace which is the absence of a tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice.")
Kindness is motivated by genuine caring and the desire to understand. For example, the Buddhist concept of metta, or loving-kindness, isn’t just about wishing others well but actually practicing loving-kindness and compassion in our everyday lives. As an anti-oppressive practice, kindness is most effective when aligned with systemic solutions that center the needs of equity-deserving communities.
What kindness is NOT:
📍Kindness isn’t civility.
📍Kindness doesn't say "all views are valid."
📍Kindness isn't silent. It doesn't allow harmful practices to continue unchecked.
📍Kindness isn’t transactional. It doesn’t expect anything in return.
What kindness IS:
✅ Kindness fosters authentic connection and empathy through nonjudgmental listening.
✅ Kindness approaches dissonance and dissent with curiosity.
✅ Kindness is transparent. It enables us to have courageous conversations with compassion.
✅ Kindness is embodied in our actions.
Leaders, how can I help you build trust and foster belonging by operationalizing kindness? Message me today!
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Image credit: Thank you to Adrienne Warren, who created the original version of the graphic. The original graphic can be viewed on LinkedIn here. Follow @manifestedwellnesstherapy on IG.
ID for the complete, original graphic: Social media post in the colors of purple and teal entitled "The Difference Between Nice vs. Kind." The chart illustrates lists 5 key qualities associated with niceness and kindness.
1. Nice: Superficially pleasant, often motivated by a desire to please or avoid conflict. Kind: Genuine care and empathy, driven by a sincere desire to support and understand.
2. Nice: Politeness on the surface. Kind: Compassion and understanding.
3. Nice: Saying what others want to hear. Kind: Authenticity in actions.
4. Nice: Avoiding confrontation. Kind: Empathy towards others' feelings.
5. Nice: Seeking approval. Kind: Supporting others without expecting anything in return.
